Going through a divorce can be tough, but it can be even tougher if you are divorcing someone who displays the traits of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Our Divorce & Family Law team discusses tactics to try and make the divorce process easier.
What is a Narcissist?
Firstly, what is a narcissist? The full definition of someone with a narcissistic personality disorder is both broad and complex, but in summary, it is a mental disorder that involves a pattern of self-centred behaviour and a lack of empathy.
There are numerous strains of NPD, and many people who show some or all of these personality traits will not have been formally diagnosed as a narcissist. But if your partner displays selfish, erratic, arrogant, coercive, or manipulative behaviours this can put added strain on divorce negotiations, especially when it comes to children arrangements or financial settlements.
These narcissistic personality traits can often lead to a lack of cooperation during the divorce process and result in one side trying to exert control over the proceedings. Narcissists usually do not want an amicable divorce and actually relish conflict. However, as experienced divorce solicitors we have developed methods to try and manage this behaviour and dial down the stress rather than exacerbate it.
Narcissism and No-Fault Divorce
It is important to note that, as a result of the Divorce, Dissolution and Separation Act 2020, often referred to as ‘No-Fault Divorce’, divorcing couples no longer have to apportion blame for the breakdown of a marriage. So, whilst narcissistic behaviour may have led to the relationship breaking down, it does not actually have much bearing on the divorce process itself.
However, if your partner displays narcissist tendencies, it can help to have a strategy at the outset of your divorce. If you have not commenced divorce proceedings yet, it might be worthwhile contacting a divorce solicitor for an initial discussion to help you get familiar with and prepared for the divorce process. This can give you a greater insight into what is coming up and possibly help you and your solicitor predict negative behaviours or delaying tactics so that you can proactively combat them.
We can also advise you on documentation or evidence you may need during proceedings, such as financial statements or copies of emails or text messages.
How a narcissist may try to make your divorce more difficult.
If the person displaying narcissistic mannerisms did not instigate the divorce process, they may try to make a difficult process even harder.
We have seen this manifest in numerous ways, such as withholding information instead of sharing it (especially when it comes to finances), lack of response or poor communication, ignoring legal advice, (even from their own solicitors), and using emotional blackmail to try and get their own way or provoke self-doubt, especially if there are children involved.
Not only can this behaviour be emotionally draining, but it can also make the legal process more drawn out and ultimately costly.
Negotiating with a narcissist during a divorce
Negotiating with a narcissist can be frustrating, as they often deliberately try to make things more difficult.
Relationships between the separating parties, which are already at an all-time low, can get even worse, even aggressive. Narcissistic behaviour can be unpredictable – one moment someone can be charming, the next hostile. They may use a variety of techniques to get a reaction and exert perceived control.
As we have been on the ‘other side’ of the negotiation table of many narcissistic personalities, we have developed methods to try and make the process less painful for all concerned. We can assist by conducting negotiations on our client’s behalf, to try and make the process less emotive and more pragmatic. Having your solicitor as your negotiator can often frustrate a narcissist’s desire to see you react and get upset.
As trained legal professionals, we will not feed a narcissist’s longing for conflict. Our focus will be on how to avoid provoking an emotionally-charged response which may delay the formation of a practical resolution that is in the best interests of our client and their family.
We also understand tactics that appeal to a narcissist’s desire for control, so w can pre-empt what might pacify them, whilst still helping our client get what they want and keep momentum in negotiations. The wording, timing or type of communication, for example, can often be key to keeping things on track.
If divorce negotiations and mediation fail and your case goes to Court, we will robustly represent our clients and will seek to mitigate the drama during proceedings.
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How we can help
From the outset there are some practical tips to help you in the process: –
- Consider if additional support might assist you through the process, for example, a divorce coach or counsellor. We can signpost you to people who can help if you need us to do so.
- Keep records of any discussions or interactions and maintain a diary to document everything that takes place, as sometimes it can be difficult to recall specific incidents or events down the line.
- Set boundaries in relation to communication and consider if a dedicated parenting app may assist.
- Remember, you may be able to seek help from domestic abuse charities or the police.
As legal professionals, not healthcare professionals, we are not qualified to diagnose whether someone has a narcissistic personality disorder, but as divorce solicitors, we have experience in helping separating couples who have fractious relationships facilitate outcomes that are fair and reasonable. This is obviously through the application of the law, planning a strategy, and expediting negotiations, to achieve an agreed goal.
We can try and help everyone focus on the big issues, ‘rise above’ comments or accusations which might be painful distractions, and ideally achieve a clean break.
For a confidential discussion about the divorce procedure, please contact Richard Rodway in our Henley office on T: 01491 570 900, office or Julia Drury in our Reading office on T: 0118 975 6622, to have an initial conversation about your circumstances and how we can help you.